So Very Tired

I am so very tired. Drained of the energy to do the most basic of acts. All because I wanted to see my friends. Friends I haven’t seen in over six months, despite them living less than half an hour’s walk from my house. Low maintenance friends who are happy to just sit and talk about how are lives and projects are progressing with some bad tv playing in the background. Friends who were happy to cook me dinner and give me a ride to and from their house so I didn’t have to worry about spending that energy.

I am so very tired. Exhausted from the chemical imbalances in my body. Hormones increased by stress throwing extra aches and pains into the tornado that exists behind the protective wall of my furrowed brow. The building pressure in my chest of a day wasted, unproductive during a moment where time is of the essence, and a headache effectively emulating a pneumatic drill. The constant feeling of being slightly disconnected from this body, pushed away by the nervousness of anxiety.

I am so very tired. Weary from the mounting pressure to succeed. Conscious of the time I have spent following my passion, though it no longer leads to the same safe end-goal as it once did.  Struggling to justify the choices I have made with the knowledge of a more difficult future that awaits outside of these doors. Scared of what the future will hold, how I will ever get there, and how I will survive in regards to both my health and earning.

I am so very tired. Spent from the numbness and contrasting acute emotions of the past several months. From the massive fluctuations in mood and outlook in such short spaces of time. On feeling I have imposed upon others and feeling as though no one truly understands enough.

I am so very tired. So very very tired.

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